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Gay Relationshps: When A Lover Cheats: Relationship Repair For Gay Couples: Part 2

[ continued from yesterday ] When the “relationship contract” has been broken by an infidelity in a gay couple’s partnership, the foundation of trust and respect has likely been damaged. Some men opt to sever their ties, unable to cope with the boundary violation that’s occurred, while others decide to work at rebuilding their relationship. Each couple must decide for themselves which option best suits their needs and will be determined largely by the level of investment and commitment each has to endure through the painful tasks involved in recovering from an affair. Surviving and healing from an affair is possible and requires both partners to take responsibility and channel all their energies into repairing their relationship. Part 1 of this 2-part article series addressed the possible reasons ...

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Gay Relationships: Building Your Risk-Taker Muscles – Part One

There is probably no greater topic of importance to gay dating and relationship success than self-esteem. How you feel about yourself definitely translates itself in everything that you think, feel, and do. Having confidence and a belief that you have value and worth gives you that extra boost you need to take risks that will improve your life. It gives you that little extra sexy appeal and makes you feel positive and attractive to yourself and others. It also helps you in making sound and responsible decisions that will ensure you’re living with integrity. Additionally, when you feel good about yourself, you’re more likely to set boundaries with others to avoid being taken advantage of and helps you feel more able to be assertive and to...

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Gay Relationships: Are You Lost In Love?

Western religious marriage rites celebrate the idea of “the two becoming one flesh.”  The other pull is towards safety and independence, and it can be just as powerful as this urge to merge. We fear being engulfed by the other, becoming lost in love. Both of these urges are normal and understandable. If you had no desire to mesh with your partner, you might as well be roommates. But healthy relationships allow each partner to maintain his identity, distinct from the shared identity as a couple. There is a dynamic balance that allows both connection and detachment. We’ve all grown up with the myths about relationships that are pervasive in our culture and in the media. Models of healthy relationships are rare. One model most of...

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Gay Relationships: Enhancing Intimacy In Your Life – Part 3

[ continued from yesterday ]  This is the third installment in a 3-part article series about struggles with intimacy that are relatively common in gay relationships. In Part 1 of the series, “intimacy freak-out” was defined and the reasons why gay men are prone to this phenomenon were discussed. This article will address some of the common intimacy fears that could block your potential for true connection with your partner and will offer some tips for enhancing your comfort with intimacy to help you achieve ultimate relationship bliss! The “Freak-Out” Checklist: In my training and work with gay men, I have found some common intimacy fears that can prevent us from experiencing the depths of fulfillment that love can offer. Take a look through this list ...

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Gay Relationships: The First Date: Assessing His Boyfriend Potential – Part Two

( continued from yesterday ) While it’s impossible to get the full scope of a person on a first date, you should be on the lookout for any possible “red flags” that would halt the possibility of a second date. Or perhaps he will have inspired some intrigue in you to invest further in getting more acquainted with him. So when conversing with the man sitting across from you, think about some of the following points to help you ponder how you’d like to proceed with this particular gentleman: Does he appear to take care of himself and have good grooming and hygiene?  Does he maintain eye contact with you as he speaks or is he looking around the room at the other guys (very disrespectful!)...

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Gay Relationships: Dating – Make A Great First Impression – Part Two

( Continued from yesterday ) ...... tips on how to make the most of your initial contacts with potential dating prospects so you can leave a favorable impression of yourself in their minds. Whether you’re single and looking for “The One” or are trying to break into a social group or land a new job with a potential employer, you may only have one opportunity to peak someone’s interest and curiosity in who you are and what you might bring to the table. 5. Practice Core Mindfulness In a first encounter with someone, it’s common to want to be liked and this can lead to being too much “in your head”. Thinking about what you’re going to say next in the interaction or worrying about the other guy’s perception...

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Gay Relationships: Sex, Bad Sex And Really Bad Sex

You’ve probably done it; you’re driving home late at night feeling disappointed – or worse.. Maybe you’re pounding the steering wheel and shouting at yourself. You just finished sex with someone and you’re sorry you did it. You know the bumper sticker that says that the worst day at the beach is better than the best day at the office? Well, this is not true about sex. It’s better to stay hungry and horny rather than have sex that leaves you feeling bad about yourself. Good sex means sex that feels enjoyable while you’re having it, and equally good when you think about it afterwards. Bad sex comes in several flavors, but they all taste pretty bad. You know it’s bad if you feel like you just...

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Gay Relationships: Overcoming Shyness – Part One

If you’re shy, you know the discomfort such bashfulness can bring.  When you must step out of the shadows and speak up, you may experience a racing heart, dry mouth, and butterflies in the stomach.  What others seem to take for granted can become a miserable experience for you. All sorts of social situations can trigger a bout of self-conscious shyness.  Some people find themselves not speaking up for themselves at work.  Others find it makes them anxious to introduce themselves to others at a bar or the gym.  Or they avoid social situations all together, becoming isolated at home.  And more people fear public speaking engagements than fear snakes or spiders. All of us find ourselves a little shy at times, especially if we’re introverted...

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Gay Relationships: Rejection Sucks! A Gay Guy’s Primer On Dealing With It – Part 2

( Continued From Yesterday )    Tips For Coping With Rejection: The following are some ideas to help you reframe the way you think about rejection so it doesn’t seem so unbearable. Your negative beliefs can have a strong hold over you because they’re trying to protect you against perceived threat or harm, so some of these tips might inspire an “oh please!” or “yeah right!” attitude. Let your mind be open and pick and choose those that might best fit your personality and style. View any resistance you may feel as an indication that your self-protection mechanisms may have been triggered and refuse to be held victim by them any longer. * View rejection as a success. The fact that that guy doesn’t want ...

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What Makes A Healthy Gay Relationship?

"Healthy relationships require patience, creativity, skill and commitment. It can be hard work, but few accomplishments in life are more satisfying." Healthy intimacy is a dance that honors and enjoys our partner while not losing our sense of individuality. Time and activity with our partner must be balanced by activities we do by ourselves or with people other than our partner. There is a saying that healthy families are alike, but unhappy ones are each unhappy in their own unique way. I’m not certain that this is strictly accurate. Still, there are certain attributes of relationships that tend to mark them as healthy or unhealthy..... There are gender patterns that seem to emerge in relationships: men tend to be good at maintaining individuality (perhaps at the ...

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Gay Relationships: How To Enhance A New Dating Relationship

Dear Brian: "I am in a new dating relationship with someone I’m very interested in maintaining. I think he may be my “Mr. Right.” Things started out very well for us in the beginning but over the last several months things have faded. Neither one of us is “out” and I believe I’m the first guy he’s been with. How do I foster and maintain this relationship?" Holding On _______________________________ Dear Holding On: Conflagrations on finding someone whom you feel a strong connection with! It sounds like you’re very excited by the prospects that abound with this new relationship and are wanting to maintain and grow it in light of a recent sense of decline in interest in your friend’s part. That can be very...

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Gay Relationships: Dating For The 40+ Gay Man: Seven Steps To Success – Part 2

 [ continued from yesterday ]    Midlife is sexy!   Here's Part 2 of the seven tips to help boost your dating success as a 40+ single gay man to enhance your readiness for a relationship! STEP 3: DESTROY THE MONSTER IN YOUR HEAD What we say to ourselves impacts our mood and behavior. The “monster in your head” is that little voice that whispers (and sometimes screams) negative statements about yourself and the world around you. Our internal dialogue impacts whether we look at life through a lens of optimism and hope versus pessimism and negativity. Examine your self-talk as it pertains to being middle-aged and your views on dating and gay men. Create a list of all the thoughts that come to mind about these topics unedited...

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Gay Relationships: Validate Your Way To Bliss

Over the years, I’ve had slews of couples come through my office with a variety of presenting issues that range anywhere from communication breakdowns, to sexual dysfunctions, to infidelities, to diminished passion, etc. These only name but a few, but the common denominator that appears pervasive throughout most relationship difficulties is a climate of tension, resentment, and mistrust that results when the partners don’t feel acknowledged or honored by each other. This can erode the foundation that the relationship is built upon and jeopardizes the love, closeness, and attachment the couple had developed. Mayday! Mayday! Relationship rescue is now needed! The interpersonal skill of validation is one technique that can help enrich any relationship and is a great tool for solidifying emotional bonds and fostering more intimacy ...

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Gay Relationships: Meeting Mr. Right – Part One

"Perhaps the best definition of madness I've heard is "doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results."    At dinner few months ago, friend of mine confessed that it drove him crazy when well-meaning friends and co-workers told him they had no idea why he is still available when he is such obvious husband material.  It's true; my friend is a sexy guy with a great personality and a fine job. To say that he has been frustrated by his lack of success in dating would be an understatement. Problem is, my buddy's job keeps him busy. He's also involved with volunteer projects with kids, and he lives near his aging parents so he can spend more time with them. While Jack ...

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Gay Relationships: Intimacy, Vulnerability and Commitment

Intimate relationships come in many flavors: dinner-and-a-movie dates that develop slowly into something else, dating one guy exclusively and becoming boyfriends, establishing something more permanent, perhaps as lovers or husbands or partners.Some relationships evolve hastily; others take time. Some men are comfortable “playing the field,” while others move so quickly to stake a claim on a boyfriend's affections that it feels like a return to California Gold Rush days."An unarmed encounter between two vulnerable individuals is my favorite definition of intimacy. Most of us understand the "unarmed'part of that equation without too much difficulty. But "vulnerable?" That's tougher. Especially for men; toughness is associated with masculinity – vulnerability is something we're taught to avoid. Vulnerability is a paradox. A friend...

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Naked Truth: How to Host the Best Orgy on the Block

Naked Truth: How to Host the Best Orgy on the Block Like this Article Like Unicorn BootyThere are two ways to host an orgy. The first is to slap one together haphazardly like a hungover brunch with your hungover friends on a hungover Sunday morning. While sending out a couple of group texts & a tweet might seem easy and adventurous let me tell you, a mal-hosted orgy of your Instagram followers (#orgyinten) will quickly dissolve into a hotbed of STIs, failed orgasms, over-drugged wastedness and downright danger. The second (and best) way is to just come out and say it—in calligraphy print, on nice paper invitations— “I’m having an orgy! And you’re invited!” As with any social gathering masterfully planned, there’s etiquette to ...

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Gay Relationships: Are We More Than Just Friends? – Part One

Dear Brian: I have been out of the dating scene for 10 years after having been in a long-term relationship for that length and it has since ended. I find it difficult being back on the singles’ market. I currently find myself in a strange situation; I have met a guy through the Internet. On our “first date”, I set the context of our encounter by saying that I thought from having left a long-term relationship that it was important for me to be friends and to be interdependent rather than codependent as was my previous experience. So now seven weeks have passed, we’ve been on a number of dates, but haven’t kissed. I am waiting for him to make a move. I’m fearful and I ...

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Gay Relationships: How To Be The Most Romantic Partner Your Lover Has Ever Had – Part One

A candlelit table for two at the best table in a fancy restaurant.  Champagne.  Soft music.  Tender words   The essence of romance, right?  Maybe, but romance can mean many things.  “Sexual attraction, suitable conditions for lovemaking, fascination and enthusiasm” are a few of the definitions in my dictionary.  The trouble is, while many of us enjoy lovemaking we’re often a bit bewildered about how to actually be romantic.  The word 'romantic' can seem old-fashioned and strange; it makes us think of flowers, boxes of chocolates, and syrupy romance novels.  Not our style, we think. Romance is one of the things that make life with a boyfriend different from life with, well, a friend.  There’s a spark, a certain way of being with someone.  Romance is a ...

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Gay Relationships: Dating And ‘The Average Guy’ – Part One

Gay culture highlights youth, muscle, and good looks as valuable assets and commodities when it comes to sexuality and relationships. All one has to do is turn the pages of your favorite gay newspaper or magazine (that doesn't necessarily have to be sexual in nature) and you'll be distracted by photographs and advertisements of attractive men with chiseled bodies oozing sex appeal to titillate the senses. Or log on to any dating or personals site on the Web and you'll find hosts of men demanding youth and rugged masculine good-looks as personal requirements in their profiles to consider even corresponding or chatting with them. The harsh reality of the worldwide gay community and society at large is that physical attractiveness is deemed a significant value and ...

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Gay Relationships: Parents, In-Laws & Relatives

Gay men aren’t the only folks who have complicated relationships with parents and in-laws, of course.  But while straight couples typically get a lot of recognition, support and encouragement from their parents and other family members, things are often different for us.  Some families are very welcoming.  Other families are indifferent or hostile, ...

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how do i convince my mom that being a tomboy and dressing up like a boy doesn’t necessarily means that I am lesbian?

-Question submitted by Anonymous — Dannielle Says:  I would prolly make a big collage of all the women in hollywood and and music sports and what not who have short haircuts / wear pants / climb mountains / aren’t gayheads and give it to her.  Then I would make another collage of lesbians wearing dresses / lipstick / baking cupcakes…give it to her and...

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When Sexual Needs Clash in a Relationship

Dear Dr. Brian: I have been in a relationship with my partner for 12 years and over this period of time, we have both been unfaithful. My partner is very well-endowed and an exhibitionist and enjoys showing off his penis to others. Last week we were driving home from visiting friends when he suggested we stop off at a local cruising area. I agreed, but deep down I felt really sick about...

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Having a Hard Time with a Break-Up

Dear Dr. Brian: I am dealing with the break-up of a 9-year relationship and am trying to get on my feet again. He won’t deal with me anymore, but says he still cares about me. It’s really confusing because he’s so cold and distant one minute, and then being endearing the next. It hurts to me to ...

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Does He Still Like Me?

Dear Dr. Brian: I’ve been dating a guy now for 3 months and for the past few weeks, we haven’t been getting together as much and I don’t hear from him as often because he says he’s busy. I’ve asked him about it and he says he has a great...

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